i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Randomize
