I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
