It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize