I will probably be peed on at some point today.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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