he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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