True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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