Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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