I threw up into my coffee this morning.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
