Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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