every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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