He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
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