You can't special order awesome
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Randomize
