hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I am one with the molecules
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
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