You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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