I need to stop coming to work sober
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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