My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
