shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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