I just pynch a tree in the face
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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