Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
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