Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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