If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
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