I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Randomize
