Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Randomize
