cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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