Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
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