I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Randomize
