She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
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