...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Randomize
