in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
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