I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
