tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
