Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
How naked do you want me to be?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
