my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
and you fell through a lawn chair
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
