They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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