Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
