She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
