Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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