Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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