When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
