Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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