hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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