seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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