Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
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