My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
