put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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