In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
