If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
