i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
