I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
