I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
