So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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