tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
