No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
