I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
