My balls are so social today.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
